misery, seeds, and something new

This photo is from one year ago. I remember taking it and being like, ‘what do I look like because I feel miserable and sick inside?’  Turns out the photo looked exactly like how I felt.  

I had been serving with a non-profit in Zimbabwe for ten years, and had committed my life to being a part of that ministry and helping create opportunities for children at risk.  I had gone from a team member, to a team leader, to a Board Member, to Vice President of the organization.  I don’t say ‘yes’ to everything but when it came to supporting this organization, it was ‘yes’ every time.  

Around the time of this photo, I had just resigned from the organization due to conflicts and a lack of accountability on the state-side of the organization. I pushed for transparency and accountability within our non-profit and was in turn cast as being disloyal, lacking integrity, and lacking character. This led to my subsequent resignation from the board.  

I hesitate to even write because there’s still unease, a little pit in the stomach when I think about what happened.

I continued to learn the messy side of non-profits, I mean, I may be near the top in that area of expertise after attending Teen Mania and Liberty University... it’s like a trifecta of messy faith-based organizations. 

Other people came to me and shared their stories of working for non-profits, particularly in third world countries, and oftentimes, their stories were even much worse than mine.  

It was a tough year. I mean, even one of my teeth exploded, that poor little guy was probably holding all the pain.  

I didn’t find relief from serving again.  I didn’t find relief in making future plans. I didn’t find relief in continuing many of those relationships. 

I found relief in quitting.  

Everything. 

I blocked emails from those who continued to say hurtful things to me. I quit leading and attending any community groups I was a part of.  I quit going out. I quit inviting people over. I quit growing hair and started going bald (oh, that wasn’t intentional, just stress haha). I quit about everything but my job. 

And I felt better.  

I was a seed.  

I remember walking into a coffee shop a day after all this mess, and hearing a whisper inside of me, ‘I am a seed. I am a seed. I am a seed.’  

I got inside, sat down and opened my bible and the very passage from a reading plan I had just started was the parable of the seed. 

It spoke to me. Not in an, ‘I’m ok now’ way. But in a comforting way of assurance. 

Something had died inside of me. Actually part of me. Relationships had died. Dreams had died.  

And now, I was a seed. Ready to go underground until something new would bloom. 

I’m not here to say something new has bloomed, I just saw that miserable picture and wanted to write about it.  

I’m still that seed. I’m still waiting to bloom again.  And that’s ok. Because I will.  I will bloom again.