why I stopped praying

I guess it depends on your definition of prayer.

Will was diagnosed with cancer on October 31, 2012. 

I’m not sure if there was ever a time I prayed more.  The more I prayed, the more I prayed.  The more I prayed, the more my faith increased.  I started volunteering in my church’s prayer room. I prayed for everyone.  All the time.  And I believed. 

We huddled around Will’s bed as the ‘plug was pulled.’  We held his hands.  We rubbed his feet.  We spoke life over him.  We believed.  We prayed.  He stopped breathing.

We prayed.

He didn’t start breathing again.

We prayed.  We believed. 

Time passed.

We stopped.

Will didn’t come back.

I stopped praying.

I kept hoping.  I keep hoping. 

I stopped volunteering in the prayer room.  I kept wishing people the best.  I still wish people the best.

I stopped interceding for people.  I kept loving them.  I keep loving them.

I never lost God.  I lost prayer.  But I talk to God all the time.  So I guess it just depends on your definition of prayer.  In some regards, I guess I pray all the time.  But to believe in an outcome, well, it still hurts too much to be let down.   

June 29th would have been Will’s 37th birthday.  Our prayers couldn’t save him.  But I still believe Jesus did.